For a moment, time seemed to stand still. The two Prince Ruperts stared at each other, and everyone else stared at the Prince Ruperts. When they had only been able to see one, they had looked like the same man, if that made sense. Now both of the Prince Ruperts were in the same place, the differences were obvious.
The one who was flanked by Mad Pete, Ginger McSporran and Ethel was taller and thinner with longer hair, and a bigger scar. He also was dressed completely in black, but his black somehow seemed blacker if that was possible. On the other hand, the Prince Rupert who had run out of the castle keep in pursuit of Ralph the Timid and Lady Ann was slightly shorter and slightly stockier with shorter hair and a scar, which while still being very big, was smaller than that of his lookalike. His face was also covered in long red gashes and his shirt was hanging in ribbons from his encounter with Twinkle.
"Who are you?" he demanded angrily of the man facing him.
"Isn't it obvious?" said the other Prince Rupert, examining his fingernails casually. "I'm your evil twin."
Lady Ann and Ralph the Timid took their opportunity to slowly and subtly edge out of the way.
"How can you be my evil twin?" raged Prince Rupert. "I'M evil! I can't have an evil twin! And besides, HE'S my evil twin - come back here!" This last bit was directed at Ralph, who he grabbed by the arm and pulled away from Lady Ann.
"Ah ha ha ha." laughed the other Prince Rupert quietly. "I think you will find he is not. No, I am the evil Prince Clarence of Xanadu. I was abandoned by my parents in the mountains, but my kind hearted mother could not, in the end, abandon completely chartless - stupid woman! And so I grew up, knowing my destiny, and knowing that one day, I would return and claim my own!" He drew a piece of paper from his pocket and clutched it exultantly.
Mad Pete was looking horrified. His eyes were popping. He was mouthing something at Ralph that seemed to be something along the lines of "Oh - my bad! I'm really sorry!"
Ginger McSporran was just looking a bit resigned, and Ethel wasn't looking at anything in particular.
Ralph was watching this exchange with growing enjoyment. He wasn't evil after all! That was excellent news. Now he would be able to live happily ever after with Lady Ann...how lovely. Lady Ann....he looked over to where she was standing and discovered she wasn't there. Where had she gone? He tried to look for her while not being too obvious, while next to him the debate of the brothers Xanadu raged.
"Claim your own?" Prince Rupert was saying disgustedly. "Claim your own?"
"That's right, brother." said Prince Clarence, folding his piece of paper into small bits and then putting in back into his chest pocket. "I am here to claim my own. My share of the domain of Xanadu, its castles, its wealth. And then I shall build the most powerful regime of domination in all the land!" He looked up and shook his fist at the sky. There was a sudden crash and dazzle of thunder and lightning, even though it was broad daylight and the weather was completely fine. That's just how evil Prince Clarence was. It even made Prince Rupert take a step back so that he stood within the doorway of the keep, though he never lost his disdainful sneer.
"I don't think so," said Prince Rupert, dangerously, letting go of Ralph to put his hand on his sword."And what kind of a name is Clarence anyway? Very evil sounding! I don't think."
"I know you don't think, brother!" said Prince Clarence with an evil grin, and then drawing his own sword, swung his arm back and then flung it through the air. It flew with deadly aim, towards Prince Rupert and past him, into the darkness of the keep, where it could be heard clanging and banging as it rebounded off the walls..
"You missed!" cried Prince Rupert "Ah ha! Ah ha ha ha ha -" he was suddenly cut short as the portcullis descended rapidly, puncturing him in several places, its supporting ropes having been severed by Prince Clarence's boomeranging sword. There was a horrible gurgling sound as Prince Rupert struggled for breath. "Owwwww." said Prince Rupert, with great difficulty. "Could some - someone - someone please get this portcullis off me?"
Ralph the Timid stared in horror, as did Mad Pete and Ginger McSporran. Ethel was not very interested because she was a bird, Twinkle was somewhere else making friends with the palace cats, and Lady Ann was nowhere to be seen.
Prince Clarence, however, had no such empathy for his brother. He laughed, a deep full evil laugh that echoed around the stone walls of the castle. "Ah ha ha ha ha ha ah aha ha ha ha ha ha h ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ahah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha h aha ha haa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha h ah ha ha ha -" and then, he was suddenly cut short too. He made a funny "Oeoergh" noise, swayed a little at the knees, and then collapsed in a big heap of black clothing.
Lady Ann looked very pleased with herself and smiled at her bottle. "I knew this would come in handy eventually!" she said. "And I didn't even break it!"
"Great!" said Mad Pete, hopping forward to take a closer look."Brandy! Well, let's get us unchained and we can all have a drink to celebrate."
"We don't have a key, " said Ralph the Timid, without attempting to search Prince Clarence for one. He was only knocked out, after all.
"We don't need one," said Ginger McSporran. He flexed his arms, and with a loud snapping noise, his chains smashed. He walked over to Mad Pete and Ethel and broke their chains in turn. Mad Pete rubbed his arms and Ethel flapped her wings, and they both looked at Ginger McSporran in dignified silence.
There was a pause. "You mean you could have done that at any time?" asked Ralph the Timid.
"And easily overpowered Prince Clarence?" asked Lady Ann.
Ginger McSporran shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, it was your story, Ralphie baby. Now why don't you introduce us to your girlfriend, and we'll get this all cleaned up?"
And so Ralph the Timid introduced Lady Ann to Ginger McSporran, Mad Pete and Ethel, and then they got it all cleared up.
EPILOGUE
So, what happened in the end to everyone, and what is the moral of the story? That's what's really important, after all.
Well, Prince Clarence never really recovered from his bop on the head. He woke up believing he was an Unexpectedly Large Warbler with a flying impediment, so Ethel took him under her wing, so to speak, and only pecked him when he tried to do evil things to other Unexpectedly Large Warblers. She and Mad Pete looked after him back in Rangville, where Mad Pete decided it was probably time for him to do some more work, since retirement was really rather boring, and so he wrote a book about his experiences and mostly his failed experiment with preventing destinies ("The Snake Will Out: My Foray Into Preventing Evil Developing In Those Born In Inauspicious Years, by Boris P. Blockoff, available in all good retailers.)
Ginger McSporran went back to his caves, and took Twinkle with him, but only after doing a great deal of shopping and buying some new types of tea. He made his new friends promise to visit him at least once a year, because as he said, it was lonely work, being a cave beast.
Prince Rupert recovered from the injuries caused by the portcullis falling down on him, but he renounced being an evil villain and settled for just being a bit mischevious. So if you went to stay at Castle Xanadu, you were always sure of a warm welcome and would never wake up in a dark, rat infested cell or at the top of the tallest tower, but you might find yourself suddenly drenched by a bucket perched atop a door. All in all though, it was an improvement.
And as for Ralph the Timid and Lady Ann, well, they got married and lived happily ever after. Ralph the Timid never found his true birthdate, but after the scary possibilty of being Prince Rupert's evil twin had been discarded he decided he didn't really want to. This way he could still safely go and visit his family in the mountains and introduce his wife to his lovely baby sister.And Lady Ann decided she didn't want any more adventures, so they just made themselves at home in one of the Erd's many manors, and raised themselves a family. One which, Lady Ann made sure, would be prepared to rescue a family member if they saw them being carried off.
And the moral of the story is: Life is full of interesting things. What, you mean that's not a moral? Of course it is.
The End.
(Word Count:
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Chapter Thirty Five: In Which Lots Of Very Exciting Things Happen.
There had been nothing for it, and upon reaching the ground, Ralph the Timid had submitted to being taken prisoner with reasonably good grace. Oh, he'd struggled a little, so as to not look bad in front of Lady Ann - it was hard, he thought, with a name like Ralph the Timid. One had to demonstrate all the time that one was extra brave, instead of doing the sensible thing and submit peacefully so that they won't hit you, and then bravely escape later, maybe knocking one or two of the guards out in the process.
And so it was that they were now here, in Prince Rupert's throne room, and he was looking speculatively at Ralph. Ralph, however, was looking around the room and gawping open mouthed. He'd never been in a room so ornate. Lady Ann was similarly curious. She'd been in the room before, she was fairly certain, because she recognised the carpet from the glmpses she had had from under the blindfold when she had been led - supposedly unseeingly - to her tower top prison.
The room was phenomenally tastelessly decorated. It was large, with high ceilings, and beautiful, arched windows lined the walls on two sides. It could have been a beautiful room. But it was not. In the centre of the room, against the back wall, on a raised platform, was the throne. Leading up to it was a wide open space, then some steps. Corridors on either side of the throne were concealed, but visible behind thick curtains. The bones and basic set up of the room were fine, thought Lady Ann. It was just the mixture of colours and patterns and fabrics and ...and things, she thought, looking at a giant porcelain statue of a cat. The room was littered with sculptures of cats. Lifesize, minature, gigantic, the sizes ranged up and down the entire scope of scale. Some were porcelain, some bronze, some marble, some jade, some indeterminate materials that neither Lady Ann nor Ralph the Timid recognised. They were scattered haphazardly throughout the room. It was creepy, thought Ralph the Timid, although determined not to find it creepy, walking down a narrow passage lined by unblinking cats eyes.
In a strange paradox, for someone who professed to like cats as much as Prince Rupert did, the throne was covered in a large leopard skin. This clashed horribly with the stripy fabric covering the raised platform - orange and black like a tiger. The carpet on the floor was red and black, which could have been nice, had the pattern not looked as if some one who had dined only on tomatoes and coal for the last several months had been hugely sick on it. The curtains by the windows and corridors were the same, except they varied in fabric type from heavy velvet to light chiffon-y materials. They were all tied back with heavy golden tassel ties. Altogether the effect was ....ugly, more than anything else. Not particularly fear inducing, unless you counted the cats. It also SMELT like cats, which was interesting, because apart from the many statues of cats, there was not a cat to be seen.
Prince Rupert seated himself on the throne. "Leave us!" he casually ordered the guards.
The head guard paused. "Are - are you SURE, sir? Would you like us to tie them up first?"
"No, no, no!" said Prince Rupert, angrily. "Do you think I can't handle a little girl and a callow youth like this by myself? Leave us, I say!"
With a shrug of his shoulders, the head guard nodded to his men and they released Lady Ann and Ralph the Timid. Lady Ann ran to the side of her would be rescuer. "Are you all right?" she whispered into his ear, her arms around his neck.
"I'm fine!" whispered back Ralph. "I've got an idea! I'll make him angry and lure him over here, and you hit him over the head with your good luck bottle, okay?"
"Okay!" said Lady Ann, and began to feel around in the bundle made up of the dress and the bottle which was still tied to Ralph's shoulder.
As this was going on, they were too busy trying to look innocent and innocuous to notice what the head guard was saying to Prince Rupert. Ralph looked up just in time to catch the last words.
".....no one else there, your highness, but we found this sack!" he lifted the sack containing Twinkle up so Prince Rupert could look at it.
"I see..." said Prince Rupert slowly, taking in the struggling sack. "And what's in it? Anything useful?"
The head guard looked a little embarrassed. "Well, I don't really know sir. We were going to look, but it...well, it sounds a bit dangerous, sir."
Prince Rupert rolled his eyes. "You henchmen are always so stupid," he said, and snatched the bag off him. "Now get out of here before I get angry."
"Ye - As you wish, your highness," said the head guard politely, then turned to his cohorts. "Right you horrible lot, look smart, get moving, by the left -" he roared, and the rest of the guards snapped to attention, clicked their heels together, formed up into a line and marched out. "We'll return to our duties then sir," said the head guard and saluted, then followed his colleagues from the room.
Prince Rupert waited till the guards were gone and the sound of their feet could no longer be heard, then he got up, bearing the sack and walked towards Lady Ann and Ralph the Timid slowly but purposefully. He stopped a few feet away from them. Ralph the Timid gripped Lady Ann's hand tightly. She squeezed. She had got the bottle free and slipped it into her pocket, where she was holding it tightly by her other hand.
"I want to know what you meant when you said you were my brother," said Prince Rupert, menacingly. "I have no brother."
"You do." said Ralph the Timid. "You have a twin."
"A TWIN? Ah ha ha ha!" Prince Rupert laughed, but not for as long as he usually did. It was a mocking laugh, rather than a celebration of evil deeds. "Ah ha ha haaa. A twin indeed. We don't even look like each other. I suppose I'm the evil twin?" he said sarcastically.
"No, not at all," said Ralph, trying to keep him talking until he was close enough to hit. But he didn't seem to be coming any closer. "I'm the evil twin. I was abandoned in the mountains years ago, because my charts said I was destined to grow up to be super evil and bad. But I was raised by a humble woodcutter and his wife, so it hasn't materialised till now. My evillness and villainy, I mean."
Lady Ann was having great trouble supressing her laughter at this. Ralph the Timid, with his honest good looks, homespun clothes and manly physique looked so far from being evil or villainous that it was comical. And yet he seemed to believe it was true.
Prince Rupert was looking very sceptical. He said, with disbelief clear in his tone , "You expect me to believe a tale like that? Then why were you rescuing her? If you're so evil."
Ralph thought quickly. He said, imaginatively, "I wasn't rescuing her. I was - uh, I was stealing her! From you! Because I'm evil. Ah ha ha ha ha! Ah ha." He tried to imitate Prince Rupert's evil laugh, but failed.
Lady Ann gave him a look. It seemed to say 'That was pathetic, my darling. You are going to have to do better than that to get us out of here, sweetie pumpkin dearie pie.' Lady Ann was good at mixing criticism with loving endearments.
"That's ridiculous," said Prince Rupert, with a sardonic sneer. "Do you expect me to believe a ridiculous story like that?" he brandished the sack with Twinkle in it. "And what's this?"
Ralph thought quickly. "Don't open that!" he shouted. "Don't let it out! It will destroy us all."
Prince Rupert laughed, a full throated evil laugh. "Muwha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ahh! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha h ah aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ah ah ha! So you think you can fool me that easily, young man?"
"Don't call me young man!" Ralph the Timid snapped angrily. "You're the same age as me! We're twins! And don't open that sack!"
"Twins!" snorted Prince Rupert, "next thing you'll be telling me we're identical. What IS in this sack?" He started to untie the knot that held the sack closed. He peered into the sack ....and then everything seemed to happen all at once.
With a howl like five hundred banshees on All Hallows Eve, Twinkle shot out of the sack, clawed his way up the front of Prince Rupert, who didn't even have time to either say "nice kitty!" or look horrified, and clung to Prince Rupert's face and head with all his claws and teeth, hissing and spitting with the anger of a cat who has been kept in a sack for a journey across country for many days.
"Quick!" said Ralph, and seizing Lady Ann by the hand, dragged her towards the door. She picked up her skirts and, clutching the bottle in ehr pocket through the material so as not to drop it, she ran after him. They were through the door of the throne room and away before Prince Rupert could rip the hissing, spitting, yowling fiend from the sack off his face and throw it across the room.
"DAMN CAT!" yelled Prince Rupert, and ran after Ralph and Lady Ann, only to be tripped up by dozens of his pet cats who had come to investigate the noise. He hopped and tripped and leapt and skipped over them, and reached the door in time to see Ralph and Lady Ann disappearing around a corner at the end of a hallway. He gave chase.
Lady Ann gasped for breath as she ran - not just from the speed, but also because of the giggles that kept welling up inside her. The expression on Prince Rupert's face for the split second before it was covered by the raging form of the spitting ginger cat.
They burst out of the keep into the open air and, clutching each other, convulsed into laughter. "Did - did you see his face?" asked Lady Ann through her giggles. Ralph said nothing but nodded and laughed all the harder.
"It looks like something is very funny," said a voice in front of them. "Care to share the joke?"
Their laughter stopped abruptly as they looked up and saw the figure of Prince Rupert standing in front of them. Near him, but slightly behind were Mad Pete, Ginger McSporran and Ethel, all in chains.
"What?" said Ralph the Timid. "How?"
Just then, Prince Rupert dashed out of the castle behind them. "I've got you now!" he said triumphantly, and then looking at the rest of the people before him, he stopped dead. "What?" he asked, "how? what?"
(Word Count: 48666)
And so it was that they were now here, in Prince Rupert's throne room, and he was looking speculatively at Ralph. Ralph, however, was looking around the room and gawping open mouthed. He'd never been in a room so ornate. Lady Ann was similarly curious. She'd been in the room before, she was fairly certain, because she recognised the carpet from the glmpses she had had from under the blindfold when she had been led - supposedly unseeingly - to her tower top prison.
The room was phenomenally tastelessly decorated. It was large, with high ceilings, and beautiful, arched windows lined the walls on two sides. It could have been a beautiful room. But it was not. In the centre of the room, against the back wall, on a raised platform, was the throne. Leading up to it was a wide open space, then some steps. Corridors on either side of the throne were concealed, but visible behind thick curtains. The bones and basic set up of the room were fine, thought Lady Ann. It was just the mixture of colours and patterns and fabrics and ...and things, she thought, looking at a giant porcelain statue of a cat. The room was littered with sculptures of cats. Lifesize, minature, gigantic, the sizes ranged up and down the entire scope of scale. Some were porcelain, some bronze, some marble, some jade, some indeterminate materials that neither Lady Ann nor Ralph the Timid recognised. They were scattered haphazardly throughout the room. It was creepy, thought Ralph the Timid, although determined not to find it creepy, walking down a narrow passage lined by unblinking cats eyes.
In a strange paradox, for someone who professed to like cats as much as Prince Rupert did, the throne was covered in a large leopard skin. This clashed horribly with the stripy fabric covering the raised platform - orange and black like a tiger. The carpet on the floor was red and black, which could have been nice, had the pattern not looked as if some one who had dined only on tomatoes and coal for the last several months had been hugely sick on it. The curtains by the windows and corridors were the same, except they varied in fabric type from heavy velvet to light chiffon-y materials. They were all tied back with heavy golden tassel ties. Altogether the effect was ....ugly, more than anything else. Not particularly fear inducing, unless you counted the cats. It also SMELT like cats, which was interesting, because apart from the many statues of cats, there was not a cat to be seen.
Prince Rupert seated himself on the throne. "Leave us!" he casually ordered the guards.
The head guard paused. "Are - are you SURE, sir? Would you like us to tie them up first?"
"No, no, no!" said Prince Rupert, angrily. "Do you think I can't handle a little girl and a callow youth like this by myself? Leave us, I say!"
With a shrug of his shoulders, the head guard nodded to his men and they released Lady Ann and Ralph the Timid. Lady Ann ran to the side of her would be rescuer. "Are you all right?" she whispered into his ear, her arms around his neck.
"I'm fine!" whispered back Ralph. "I've got an idea! I'll make him angry and lure him over here, and you hit him over the head with your good luck bottle, okay?"
"Okay!" said Lady Ann, and began to feel around in the bundle made up of the dress and the bottle which was still tied to Ralph's shoulder.
As this was going on, they were too busy trying to look innocent and innocuous to notice what the head guard was saying to Prince Rupert. Ralph looked up just in time to catch the last words.
".....no one else there, your highness, but we found this sack!" he lifted the sack containing Twinkle up so Prince Rupert could look at it.
"I see..." said Prince Rupert slowly, taking in the struggling sack. "And what's in it? Anything useful?"
The head guard looked a little embarrassed. "Well, I don't really know sir. We were going to look, but it...well, it sounds a bit dangerous, sir."
Prince Rupert rolled his eyes. "You henchmen are always so stupid," he said, and snatched the bag off him. "Now get out of here before I get angry."
"Ye - As you wish, your highness," said the head guard politely, then turned to his cohorts. "Right you horrible lot, look smart, get moving, by the left -" he roared, and the rest of the guards snapped to attention, clicked their heels together, formed up into a line and marched out. "We'll return to our duties then sir," said the head guard and saluted, then followed his colleagues from the room.
Prince Rupert waited till the guards were gone and the sound of their feet could no longer be heard, then he got up, bearing the sack and walked towards Lady Ann and Ralph the Timid slowly but purposefully. He stopped a few feet away from them. Ralph the Timid gripped Lady Ann's hand tightly. She squeezed. She had got the bottle free and slipped it into her pocket, where she was holding it tightly by her other hand.
"I want to know what you meant when you said you were my brother," said Prince Rupert, menacingly. "I have no brother."
"You do." said Ralph the Timid. "You have a twin."
"A TWIN? Ah ha ha ha!" Prince Rupert laughed, but not for as long as he usually did. It was a mocking laugh, rather than a celebration of evil deeds. "Ah ha ha haaa. A twin indeed. We don't even look like each other. I suppose I'm the evil twin?" he said sarcastically.
"No, not at all," said Ralph, trying to keep him talking until he was close enough to hit. But he didn't seem to be coming any closer. "I'm the evil twin. I was abandoned in the mountains years ago, because my charts said I was destined to grow up to be super evil and bad. But I was raised by a humble woodcutter and his wife, so it hasn't materialised till now. My evillness and villainy, I mean."
Lady Ann was having great trouble supressing her laughter at this. Ralph the Timid, with his honest good looks, homespun clothes and manly physique looked so far from being evil or villainous that it was comical. And yet he seemed to believe it was true.
Prince Rupert was looking very sceptical. He said, with disbelief clear in his tone , "You expect me to believe a tale like that? Then why were you rescuing her? If you're so evil."
Ralph thought quickly. He said, imaginatively, "I wasn't rescuing her. I was - uh, I was stealing her! From you! Because I'm evil. Ah ha ha ha ha! Ah ha." He tried to imitate Prince Rupert's evil laugh, but failed.
Lady Ann gave him a look. It seemed to say 'That was pathetic, my darling. You are going to have to do better than that to get us out of here, sweetie pumpkin dearie pie.' Lady Ann was good at mixing criticism with loving endearments.
"That's ridiculous," said Prince Rupert, with a sardonic sneer. "Do you expect me to believe a ridiculous story like that?" he brandished the sack with Twinkle in it. "And what's this?"
Ralph thought quickly. "Don't open that!" he shouted. "Don't let it out! It will destroy us all."
Prince Rupert laughed, a full throated evil laugh. "Muwha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ahh! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha h ah aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ah ah ha! So you think you can fool me that easily, young man?"
"Don't call me young man!" Ralph the Timid snapped angrily. "You're the same age as me! We're twins! And don't open that sack!"
"Twins!" snorted Prince Rupert, "next thing you'll be telling me we're identical. What IS in this sack?" He started to untie the knot that held the sack closed. He peered into the sack ....and then everything seemed to happen all at once.
With a howl like five hundred banshees on All Hallows Eve, Twinkle shot out of the sack, clawed his way up the front of Prince Rupert, who didn't even have time to either say "nice kitty!" or look horrified, and clung to Prince Rupert's face and head with all his claws and teeth, hissing and spitting with the anger of a cat who has been kept in a sack for a journey across country for many days.
"Quick!" said Ralph, and seizing Lady Ann by the hand, dragged her towards the door. She picked up her skirts and, clutching the bottle in ehr pocket through the material so as not to drop it, she ran after him. They were through the door of the throne room and away before Prince Rupert could rip the hissing, spitting, yowling fiend from the sack off his face and throw it across the room.
"DAMN CAT!" yelled Prince Rupert, and ran after Ralph and Lady Ann, only to be tripped up by dozens of his pet cats who had come to investigate the noise. He hopped and tripped and leapt and skipped over them, and reached the door in time to see Ralph and Lady Ann disappearing around a corner at the end of a hallway. He gave chase.
Lady Ann gasped for breath as she ran - not just from the speed, but also because of the giggles that kept welling up inside her. The expression on Prince Rupert's face for the split second before it was covered by the raging form of the spitting ginger cat.
They burst out of the keep into the open air and, clutching each other, convulsed into laughter. "Did - did you see his face?" asked Lady Ann through her giggles. Ralph said nothing but nodded and laughed all the harder.
"It looks like something is very funny," said a voice in front of them. "Care to share the joke?"
Their laughter stopped abruptly as they looked up and saw the figure of Prince Rupert standing in front of them. Near him, but slightly behind were Mad Pete, Ginger McSporran and Ethel, all in chains.
"What?" said Ralph the Timid. "How?"
Just then, Prince Rupert dashed out of the castle behind them. "I've got you now!" he said triumphantly, and then looking at the rest of the people before him, he stopped dead. "What?" he asked, "how? what?"
(Word Count: 48666)
Chapter Thirty Four: In Which There Is Lots Of In-Tree-Fighting.
There was a cracking sound. A LOUD cracking sound. It was not omninous. It had gone beyond omnious. Omnious implies that there might be a break, at some point in the future, but that it hasn't happened yet, but will at some point in the future, but not yet.
That was not what happened when Prince Rupert launched himself from the windowsill. He could jump further than Lady Ann, so he ended up clinging to the branch at approximately the same point as her. That was also approximately the same point as Ralph, who had been wriggling forward to retrieve Lady Ann.
The branch broke under the combined weight of the three of them. Ralph waved his arms frantically in the air to remain upright on the piece of branch that was still attached to the tree, then had to dive forward to catch Lady Ann's upraised hand. Prince Rupert, with no one to catch him, fell.
He did not fall very far. There were sufficient branches from the natural spiral staircase around the trunk to stop his fall. It hurt, but it stopped him. "Ow." said Prince Rupert, as he shinned his way along the branch that had stopped his fall towards the trunk. "That really hurt." He looked up to see what was going on above him.
What was going on was still a large amount of danger. Lady Ann dangled from Ralph the Timid's arm, unable to be pulled to safety - there just wasn't enough branch left. His arm was hurting, but he wasn't going to let her go. Her legs kicked wildly. There was a branch for her to rest them on, but she couldn't find it. "To the left!" directed Ralph the Timid. "No, the other left!"Her toes kicked against the branch and then she got a foot to it. Then the other foot. Ralph let out a sigh of relief. "Great. Now, I'll wiggle backwards, and you wiggle backwards until you've got hold of the tree."
"Okay!" said Lady Ann with rapid agreement. Her heart was in her mouth. She hadn't noticed that, as per Prince Rupert's example, she was not likely to fall to her death. She would merely fall to some severe bruising. She inched along the branch, clinging to Ralph above her, until she could cling to the trunk like some sort of princess -flavoured tree lizard.
It was only then that they realised the dilemma they were now in. Prince Rupert was below Lady Ann on the tree, and he was between them and the ground (which makes sense really, since he was below her on the tree, and therefore nearer the ground).
Ralph the Timid clambered down to sit beside Lady Ann on her branch. "Are you all right?" he asked.
She nodded, breath coming too quickly to say anything. She swallowed hard a few times, then said "I'm fine but I don't know ..how can we get past him? We're trapped!"
Ralph the Timid shook his head. "We'll find a way."
Below them they could see Prince Rupert looking up at them. He was clearly trying to decide whether it would be better to try and climb up to get at them or to wait for them to come to him.
"Don't worry!" said Ralph the Timid, "We'll be fine as soon as we get to the ground. My friends are down there. He'll be outnumbered."
"Your friends are down there?" said Lady Ann looking down through the branches. "I saw them before - a big guy in black...he looked like he had wings? and a man in all sorts of different colours, like a ragbag exploded on him, right?"
"That's right," said Ralph proudly, "Ginger McSporran - he's a black beast of some caves up in the mountains, and Mad Pete - he's, well, he's mad, but he'll be helpful enough once we get down there."
"That's nice in theory," said Lady Ann, who had recovered her equilibrium somewhat, "but I don't see them down there now."
Ralph looked. He also could not see any sign of Ginger McSporran or Mad Pete. He couldn't even see Ethel. "No matter, " he said heroically. "I'll save you all by myself." He looked up to see if they could climb back into Lady Ann's tower and escape down the stairs. No, that avenue was definitely cut off, unless Lady Ann proved to be a much better jumper than she had been so far. And if he himself was part kangaroo. No, that was definitely out.
He looked down again. Prince Rupert was grinning evilly. "Well, let's go down, anyway." said Ralph the Timid with some resignation. "I bet they're just hiding around the corner or something."
He climbed around past Lady Ann, trying not to look to soppily at her as he did so - heroes, he was sure, did not look soppily at damsels in distress until they were properly, completely, totally rescued and the marriage and living happily ever after was about to begin. He began to help her downwards.
Prince Rupert, standing upright with one foot on each of two branches, began to speak, laughing and jeering at Ralph. "And what are you, my fine friend? Are you meant to be a hero? What kind of hero uses a tree? You're trapped now, whoever you are! Ah ah ah ha ha ha ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" He threw his head back and his chest out, one hand upon the hilt of his sword which was still in its scabbard - just as well, as Ralph the Timid had no sword, merely a hunting knife, and that was somewhere with Ginger McSporran and Mad Pete, wherever they were. He looked particularly devillish in this pose, with his black puffy sleeved shirt and tight black pants and boots, with his black hair flowing in the breeze and his scar convulsing with every laugh. He was so caught up in the laughing he was not aware of Ralph the Timid scrambling towards him over the branches until it was too late.
"My name is Ralph the Timid, and I am your brother!" said Ralph the Timid, and gave him a hard push. "And there! I'm eviller than you!"
Prince Rupert's arms windmilled wildly as he tried to regain his balance, but he failed and fell backwards down the tree with a wild yelp.
Ralph the Timid smiled in satisfaction, but too soon. Another sturdy branch broke his foe's fall, and Prince Rupert, feeling battered but determined not to show it, grinned up at him.
"My brother? Eviller than me? Pah!" he spat in an exclamatory and derisive manner. "Well, we'll see about that! GUARDS!"
Ralph the Timid and Lady Ann watched in dismay as a formation of black coated guards raced towards the tree.
Another pair of eyes watched from a vantage point atop the castle walls. "Well, well, well," said a mysterious voice. "His brother? My word, that is interesting. Don't you think?"
The speaker turned to look at Mad Pete, Ginger McSporran and Ethel who all stood near him bound in coil upon coil of rope (or chain, in the case of Ginger McSporran). They returned the look with murderous glares. "Very interesting indeed," said the speaker, stroking his chin. "I think we'd better take a closer look at this."
(Word Count: 46747)
That was not what happened when Prince Rupert launched himself from the windowsill. He could jump further than Lady Ann, so he ended up clinging to the branch at approximately the same point as her. That was also approximately the same point as Ralph, who had been wriggling forward to retrieve Lady Ann.
The branch broke under the combined weight of the three of them. Ralph waved his arms frantically in the air to remain upright on the piece of branch that was still attached to the tree, then had to dive forward to catch Lady Ann's upraised hand. Prince Rupert, with no one to catch him, fell.
He did not fall very far. There were sufficient branches from the natural spiral staircase around the trunk to stop his fall. It hurt, but it stopped him. "Ow." said Prince Rupert, as he shinned his way along the branch that had stopped his fall towards the trunk. "That really hurt." He looked up to see what was going on above him.
What was going on was still a large amount of danger. Lady Ann dangled from Ralph the Timid's arm, unable to be pulled to safety - there just wasn't enough branch left. His arm was hurting, but he wasn't going to let her go. Her legs kicked wildly. There was a branch for her to rest them on, but she couldn't find it. "To the left!" directed Ralph the Timid. "No, the other left!"Her toes kicked against the branch and then she got a foot to it. Then the other foot. Ralph let out a sigh of relief. "Great. Now, I'll wiggle backwards, and you wiggle backwards until you've got hold of the tree."
"Okay!" said Lady Ann with rapid agreement. Her heart was in her mouth. She hadn't noticed that, as per Prince Rupert's example, she was not likely to fall to her death. She would merely fall to some severe bruising. She inched along the branch, clinging to Ralph above her, until she could cling to the trunk like some sort of princess -flavoured tree lizard.
It was only then that they realised the dilemma they were now in. Prince Rupert was below Lady Ann on the tree, and he was between them and the ground (which makes sense really, since he was below her on the tree, and therefore nearer the ground).
Ralph the Timid clambered down to sit beside Lady Ann on her branch. "Are you all right?" he asked.
She nodded, breath coming too quickly to say anything. She swallowed hard a few times, then said "I'm fine but I don't know ..how can we get past him? We're trapped!"
Ralph the Timid shook his head. "We'll find a way."
Below them they could see Prince Rupert looking up at them. He was clearly trying to decide whether it would be better to try and climb up to get at them or to wait for them to come to him.
"Don't worry!" said Ralph the Timid, "We'll be fine as soon as we get to the ground. My friends are down there. He'll be outnumbered."
"Your friends are down there?" said Lady Ann looking down through the branches. "I saw them before - a big guy in black...he looked like he had wings? and a man in all sorts of different colours, like a ragbag exploded on him, right?"
"That's right," said Ralph proudly, "Ginger McSporran - he's a black beast of some caves up in the mountains, and Mad Pete - he's, well, he's mad, but he'll be helpful enough once we get down there."
"That's nice in theory," said Lady Ann, who had recovered her equilibrium somewhat, "but I don't see them down there now."
Ralph looked. He also could not see any sign of Ginger McSporran or Mad Pete. He couldn't even see Ethel. "No matter, " he said heroically. "I'll save you all by myself." He looked up to see if they could climb back into Lady Ann's tower and escape down the stairs. No, that avenue was definitely cut off, unless Lady Ann proved to be a much better jumper than she had been so far. And if he himself was part kangaroo. No, that was definitely out.
He looked down again. Prince Rupert was grinning evilly. "Well, let's go down, anyway." said Ralph the Timid with some resignation. "I bet they're just hiding around the corner or something."
He climbed around past Lady Ann, trying not to look to soppily at her as he did so - heroes, he was sure, did not look soppily at damsels in distress until they were properly, completely, totally rescued and the marriage and living happily ever after was about to begin. He began to help her downwards.
Prince Rupert, standing upright with one foot on each of two branches, began to speak, laughing and jeering at Ralph. "And what are you, my fine friend? Are you meant to be a hero? What kind of hero uses a tree? You're trapped now, whoever you are! Ah ah ah ha ha ha ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" He threw his head back and his chest out, one hand upon the hilt of his sword which was still in its scabbard - just as well, as Ralph the Timid had no sword, merely a hunting knife, and that was somewhere with Ginger McSporran and Mad Pete, wherever they were. He looked particularly devillish in this pose, with his black puffy sleeved shirt and tight black pants and boots, with his black hair flowing in the breeze and his scar convulsing with every laugh. He was so caught up in the laughing he was not aware of Ralph the Timid scrambling towards him over the branches until it was too late.
"My name is Ralph the Timid, and I am your brother!" said Ralph the Timid, and gave him a hard push. "And there! I'm eviller than you!"
Prince Rupert's arms windmilled wildly as he tried to regain his balance, but he failed and fell backwards down the tree with a wild yelp.
Ralph the Timid smiled in satisfaction, but too soon. Another sturdy branch broke his foe's fall, and Prince Rupert, feeling battered but determined not to show it, grinned up at him.
"My brother? Eviller than me? Pah!" he spat in an exclamatory and derisive manner. "Well, we'll see about that! GUARDS!"
Ralph the Timid and Lady Ann watched in dismay as a formation of black coated guards raced towards the tree.
Another pair of eyes watched from a vantage point atop the castle walls. "Well, well, well," said a mysterious voice. "His brother? My word, that is interesting. Don't you think?"
The speaker turned to look at Mad Pete, Ginger McSporran and Ethel who all stood near him bound in coil upon coil of rope (or chain, in the case of Ginger McSporran). They returned the look with murderous glares. "Very interesting indeed," said the speaker, stroking his chin. "I think we'd better take a closer look at this."
(Word Count: 46747)
Chapter Thirty Three: In Which Still Further Progress Is Made
Mad Pete had been right. The tree was magic, and it did help. As soon as Ralph had started to wonder how he could possibly get up the tree, it began sprouting more and more branches lower down its trunk. They spiraled around the tree like a staircase, except not that close together. It actually proved to be quite a stretch from one branch to the next. Ralph was tall, but even so he had to jump a lot further that he felt comfortable with from time to time.
This was fine when he was low to the ground, but the higher he went, the more nervous he became. Even with Ethel flying around the tree for moral support he was a little nervous. He called down to Mad Pete and Ginger McSporran where they were waiting at the bottom of the tree. "Ginger! Don't you think you'd better do this? You're taller than me!"
Ginger McSporran bellowed back up to Ralph "I can't! I'm too heavy! I'll break the branches." The black beast of the caves looked around anxiously. The tree was handy for their purpose, but it was making them look very conspicious - a suddenly sprouting tree that is taller than the tallest building around with a huge trunk that pops up out of your courtyard unexpectedly will do that. "Hurry it up, will you?"
Ralph sighed, and looked up at the next branch. What are you waiting for? he asked himself. You're Ralph the Timid! You're not scared of a little tree climbing! You're not scared of anything! He tried not to think of how he might not be scared of a little tree climbing, but this mammoth plant was anything but a little tree.
On he went, upwards and onwards, branch by branch. As he neared the top the branches got a bit closer together and the going got a little easier. He scrambled up and there, at the end of one long strong bough, through a clump of leaves and twigs, he could see her.
She was even more beautiful than she had been in his dream. She looked lovely, and kind, and sensitive, and Ralph instantly knew, before he even knew her name, that this was the girl for him. Ralph was in love.
Lady Ann looked across the branch through the leaves at Ralph the Timid. Ah ha! This was her hero. Well, he certainly looked the part. And so Lady Ann, in accordance with all appropriate precepts of being a damsel in distress, duly fell in love with Ralph the Timid. It was now a simple matter of rescuing her so that they could escape the evil clutches of Prince Rupert, Ralph could renounce his destiny (though of course Lady Ann knew nothing of that, but Ralph did), and then they could marry and live happily ever after.
But first things first. Ralph said "Hello." And then he blushed because it wasn't a very sophiscated or suave thing to say. Why hadn't he said something dashing and heroic like, I'm here to save you! Or... I am your hero, come to my arms! No, that one was lame too. But something better than hello!
"Hello," said Lady Ann, and then she blushed too, because it was just one of those moments.
"I'm Ralph the Timid," said Ralph the Timid, beginning to inch along the bough towards her.
"I'm Lady Antoinetta Bernadetta Clarissa - Well, I'm Lady Ann of Erd, you can call me Lady Ann." said Lady Ann, deciding that time was probably of the essence adn that full introductions could wait for later. "Have you come to rescue me?"
Ralph blushed even more, if that was possible. Then he straightened up, holding on the tree as tightly as possible while trying to look completely nonchalant. "Why, yes I have. I have come to rescue you."
"Oh goody," said Lady Ann. "I'll just get my things, shall I?" she moved away from the window and rummaged around, getting her ripped dress and retrieving her bottle from the behind the tapestry.
Ralph inched closer to see into the room and to break off a few of the leaves at the end of the bough to make it a little easier for Lady Ann to climb out of the window. The branch sagged quite alarmingly under his weight and he found he had to lean forward to do it, almost lying along the branch.
"Are you ready?" he asked Lady Ann as she returned to the window. "Will you be able to get out here on your own? I can't get any closer without the branch bending too much to hold my weight."
Lady Ann looked dubious and tried not too look down. It was a long way, and there was nothing between her window and the tree branch to break her fall. "I suppose so," she said reluctantly.
"Great, " said Ralph the Timid with relief. "I'd come in and get you, but I think it will be easier this way. Pass me your things, if you like. Then you'll have both hands free."
Lady Ann duly wrapped up the bottle in the dress in a sort of knotted bundle and threw it gently to Ralph. She almost threw it too gently, and Ralph had to lunge to stop it from falling past him. He was sitting astride the bough and was holding on very tightly with his legs. No one could say that Ralph the Timid wasn't very brave, but he didn't like incredible heights more than the next man.
Neither was Lady Ann too fond of heights. She looked at the branch nervously as Ralph the Timid slung the dress around his shoulders, hanging it by its sleeve knotted to part of its skirt. "What have you got in here?" he asked, feeling the hard bottle wrapped up inside the soft fabric.
"It's my good luck bottle," said Lady Ann vaguely, feeling a bit faint. "Are - are you sure I can make it to the branch?" she said timidly. "You couldn't - you couldn't rescue me some other way?"
"I'm afraid not," said Ralph apologetically. "I would - but there's no way up to your tower from outside and if I go inside someone will sound the alarm."It had not occurred to him, as it had to Ginger McSporran, that possibly an extremely large tree was not the most subtle rescue technique.
"Oh, yes, I see that." said Lady Ann politely. She hitched up her skirts and started to climb onto the window sill. She could see as she did so the dizzying drop to the ground and it made her head spin. It was such a long way. "Are you sure?" she asked desperately.
"It's just a little jump," said Ralph the Timid reassuringly. "And I promise I will catch you."
Lady Ann looked very unsure about this. But then, just as she was hesitating some more, she heard something.
"Someone's coming up the stairs!" she said in alarm. "They're running up the stairs!"
"Jump!" urged Ralph again, holding out his arms. "I'll catch you!"
But Lady Ann still could not bring herself to throw herself from the relatively security of the windowsill. She listened in growing panic as the footsteps drew closer and stopped and then there was the scrape as the door bar was lifted out of the way.
With a terrified squeal she leapt from the sill and into the leafy bit of the branch just as the door burst open and Prince Rupert stormed into the room.The branch bent alarmingly as she struggled for a better grip, and there was an ominious cracking sound. Ralph, lying along the branch was holding out both his hands for her to grab, but could not reach her.
Prince Rupert ran to the window. "LADY ANN!" He roared.
Lady Ann struggled along the branch towards Ralph. Her feet kicked the air, looking for a footing. Her face was flushed with exertion. She did not reply to Prince Rupert.
"You shall not escape from me so easily!" roared her erstwhile captor again, climbing up onto the windowsill himself.
Ralph lunged for Lady Ann just as the villainous Prince Rupert launched himself into the air.
(Word Count: 45465)
This was fine when he was low to the ground, but the higher he went, the more nervous he became. Even with Ethel flying around the tree for moral support he was a little nervous. He called down to Mad Pete and Ginger McSporran where they were waiting at the bottom of the tree. "Ginger! Don't you think you'd better do this? You're taller than me!"
Ginger McSporran bellowed back up to Ralph "I can't! I'm too heavy! I'll break the branches." The black beast of the caves looked around anxiously. The tree was handy for their purpose, but it was making them look very conspicious - a suddenly sprouting tree that is taller than the tallest building around with a huge trunk that pops up out of your courtyard unexpectedly will do that. "Hurry it up, will you?"
Ralph sighed, and looked up at the next branch. What are you waiting for? he asked himself. You're Ralph the Timid! You're not scared of a little tree climbing! You're not scared of anything! He tried not to think of how he might not be scared of a little tree climbing, but this mammoth plant was anything but a little tree.
On he went, upwards and onwards, branch by branch. As he neared the top the branches got a bit closer together and the going got a little easier. He scrambled up and there, at the end of one long strong bough, through a clump of leaves and twigs, he could see her.
She was even more beautiful than she had been in his dream. She looked lovely, and kind, and sensitive, and Ralph instantly knew, before he even knew her name, that this was the girl for him. Ralph was in love.
Lady Ann looked across the branch through the leaves at Ralph the Timid. Ah ha! This was her hero. Well, he certainly looked the part. And so Lady Ann, in accordance with all appropriate precepts of being a damsel in distress, duly fell in love with Ralph the Timid. It was now a simple matter of rescuing her so that they could escape the evil clutches of Prince Rupert, Ralph could renounce his destiny (though of course Lady Ann knew nothing of that, but Ralph did), and then they could marry and live happily ever after.
But first things first. Ralph said "Hello." And then he blushed because it wasn't a very sophiscated or suave thing to say. Why hadn't he said something dashing and heroic like, I'm here to save you! Or... I am your hero, come to my arms! No, that one was lame too. But something better than hello!
"Hello," said Lady Ann, and then she blushed too, because it was just one of those moments.
"I'm Ralph the Timid," said Ralph the Timid, beginning to inch along the bough towards her.
"I'm Lady Antoinetta Bernadetta Clarissa - Well, I'm Lady Ann of Erd, you can call me Lady Ann." said Lady Ann, deciding that time was probably of the essence adn that full introductions could wait for later. "Have you come to rescue me?"
Ralph blushed even more, if that was possible. Then he straightened up, holding on the tree as tightly as possible while trying to look completely nonchalant. "Why, yes I have. I have come to rescue you."
"Oh goody," said Lady Ann. "I'll just get my things, shall I?" she moved away from the window and rummaged around, getting her ripped dress and retrieving her bottle from the behind the tapestry.
Ralph inched closer to see into the room and to break off a few of the leaves at the end of the bough to make it a little easier for Lady Ann to climb out of the window. The branch sagged quite alarmingly under his weight and he found he had to lean forward to do it, almost lying along the branch.
"Are you ready?" he asked Lady Ann as she returned to the window. "Will you be able to get out here on your own? I can't get any closer without the branch bending too much to hold my weight."
Lady Ann looked dubious and tried not too look down. It was a long way, and there was nothing between her window and the tree branch to break her fall. "I suppose so," she said reluctantly.
"Great, " said Ralph the Timid with relief. "I'd come in and get you, but I think it will be easier this way. Pass me your things, if you like. Then you'll have both hands free."
Lady Ann duly wrapped up the bottle in the dress in a sort of knotted bundle and threw it gently to Ralph. She almost threw it too gently, and Ralph had to lunge to stop it from falling past him. He was sitting astride the bough and was holding on very tightly with his legs. No one could say that Ralph the Timid wasn't very brave, but he didn't like incredible heights more than the next man.
Neither was Lady Ann too fond of heights. She looked at the branch nervously as Ralph the Timid slung the dress around his shoulders, hanging it by its sleeve knotted to part of its skirt. "What have you got in here?" he asked, feeling the hard bottle wrapped up inside the soft fabric.
"It's my good luck bottle," said Lady Ann vaguely, feeling a bit faint. "Are - are you sure I can make it to the branch?" she said timidly. "You couldn't - you couldn't rescue me some other way?"
"I'm afraid not," said Ralph apologetically. "I would - but there's no way up to your tower from outside and if I go inside someone will sound the alarm."It had not occurred to him, as it had to Ginger McSporran, that possibly an extremely large tree was not the most subtle rescue technique.
"Oh, yes, I see that." said Lady Ann politely. She hitched up her skirts and started to climb onto the window sill. She could see as she did so the dizzying drop to the ground and it made her head spin. It was such a long way. "Are you sure?" she asked desperately.
"It's just a little jump," said Ralph the Timid reassuringly. "And I promise I will catch you."
Lady Ann looked very unsure about this. But then, just as she was hesitating some more, she heard something.
"Someone's coming up the stairs!" she said in alarm. "They're running up the stairs!"
"Jump!" urged Ralph again, holding out his arms. "I'll catch you!"
But Lady Ann still could not bring herself to throw herself from the relatively security of the windowsill. She listened in growing panic as the footsteps drew closer and stopped and then there was the scrape as the door bar was lifted out of the way.
With a terrified squeal she leapt from the sill and into the leafy bit of the branch just as the door burst open and Prince Rupert stormed into the room.The branch bent alarmingly as she struggled for a better grip, and there was an ominious cracking sound. Ralph, lying along the branch was holding out both his hands for her to grab, but could not reach her.
Prince Rupert ran to the window. "LADY ANN!" He roared.
Lady Ann struggled along the branch towards Ralph. Her feet kicked the air, looking for a footing. Her face was flushed with exertion. She did not reply to Prince Rupert.
"You shall not escape from me so easily!" roared her erstwhile captor again, climbing up onto the windowsill himself.
Ralph lunged for Lady Ann just as the villainous Prince Rupert launched himself into the air.
(Word Count: 45465)
Friday, November 28, 2008
Chapter Thirty Two: In Which The Magic Seeds Work Their Magic
Ralph the Timid, Ginger McSporran, Mad Pete and Twinkle in a sack stood behind the barrels and waited for Ethel to come back. No one said anything. Ralph looked up and down, scanned the tall towers for signs of giant warblers or other life, whistled casually. Ginger McSporran sat down and looked at his hands. Mad Pete just stared blankly in a disturbing way that made Ralph and Ginger think that maybe he was madder than he pretended to be.
Then "Warble! warble warble!" they heard in the distance, and Ethel came to rest on top of the barrels with admirable grace. Almost amazing grace, but that is reserved for the William Wilberforce Pigeon. No more graceful bird exists. Still, Ethel did pretty well. She leant down and whispered in Mad Pete's ear - well, whispered some warbles. Unexpectedly Large Warblers can't really whisper.
Then, message delivered, she began to preen and tweet and warble.
Mad Pete looked at the other two (not Twinkle, because he was in his sack). "She's found her! She's in - which tower, Ethel?" he asked the bird.
"Warble warble warble!" said Ethel, which clearly meant "that one there, the tall one on the left by the other two tall ones. "
"It's that one there, the tall one on the left by the other two tall ones." said Mad Pete, pointing.
"All right Ethel!" said Ginger McSporran who was highly impressed.
Ethel just warbled.
"All right," said Ralph the Timid slowly and thoughtfully. "We know what tower she's in. Now how do we get to her?"
Mad Pete and Ginger McSporran, the black beast of the caves, considered this problem for a moment.
"Well," said the black beast, at length" we could start by going over to the tower and having a look. Maybe there's a ladder or somehting?"
"Okay," said Mad Pete genially "Let's do that." Mad Pete was very pleased and proud of his friend the Unexpectedly Large Warbler, almost as pleased and proud as if he had flown up to find Lady Ann himself.
And so they walked, keeping a close eye on the tower so it didn't suddenly run away or blend in with the other towers, until they came to the base of it where it joined onto the body of the castle.
"It's pretty tall." said Ralph the Timid, looking at the tower stretching up up up up as far as he could see when he tilted his head back. "And there's no ladder. What do you think we should do, Ginger McSporran?" He asked Ginger McSporran as he trusted the black beast of the caves much more than Mad Pete. Mad Pete had, after all, tricked him into discovering his purpose and hidden a sandwich in a cave completely unnecessarily for over two years.
"Hmm." said Ginger McSporran, stroking his chin with one giant clawed hand. "Let me think."
so Ralph let him think. There was a pause while he thought.Then Ginger McSporran said "Could Ethel fly up and get her?"
"Warble." said Ethel, fluffing up her neck feathers.
"No," said Mad Pete, emphatically. "She can't. There's nothing to hold on to and the girl would fall off."
"She could wrap her arms around her neck?" suggested Ralph hopefully.
"What good would that do? She'd just strangle herself!" said Mad Pete scornfully.
"No, she could wrap her arms around Ethel's neck." replied Ralph with great patience.
"Oh." said Mad Pete, and looked at Ethel.
Ethel squawked and fluffed her feathers some more.
"No go," said Mad Pete turning back to the others. "Ethel says she's too big and she won't be able to fly properly."
Ralph was too preoccupied to be amazed that Mad Pete had got that much from a single squawk. He studied the stones that made up the tower. Could he climb up? But that would do no good, because then he would be locked in the tower too. He looked at the wall in front of him. It was as if the stones were omnipotent. There was no way he could get around it. He was defeated. He put his hands in his pockets in a gesture of despair and brushed the seeds that the gypsies had given him. He had forgotten about them momentarily in the excitement and rush of finding the tower. Maybe they would help? He pulled them out to look at them. What did they do? The gypsies hadn't said. Did you plant them? That was what you normally did with seeds. Ralph decided to try it with one.
Lady Ann leant out of the window of her tower room at an extremely dangerous angle. There were four figures standing at the base of her tower, looking a bit like large ants. One was the bird that had flown into her room. Lady Ann marvelled at this. Had it understood her? Had it gone to fetch help? Or was it just a random coincidence? She was no longer at all bored.One of the figures that wasn't the huge bird appeared to be dressed entirely from pieces from a very colourblind butterfly's rag bag, and another of the figures was so big it looked like...well, an exceptionally large ant. And it had - wings? That couldn't be right. She was just trying to make sense of this when all of a sudden, something happened. There was a rush of green and brown and then....with a popping noise, where nothing had been just a second ago there was a very big tree, right next to her window. Its branches seemed to unfold in the blinking of an eyelid, and Lady Ann had to jump back from the window again as a bough raced towards it, exploding into a flurry of leaves just before it hit the windowsill.
"That's all very well." said Ralph the Timid, looking up at the gigantic tree that he had brought to life. "But now I need to get up the tree..."
"It's all right," said Mad Pete. "It's a magic tree. That should help."
Somewhere in the castle, Prince Rupert was being informed of the sudden appearance of a giant tree in his castle grounds. He uttered an exclamatory phrase and began to run.
(Word Count: 44089)
Then "Warble! warble warble!" they heard in the distance, and Ethel came to rest on top of the barrels with admirable grace. Almost amazing grace, but that is reserved for the William Wilberforce Pigeon. No more graceful bird exists. Still, Ethel did pretty well. She leant down and whispered in Mad Pete's ear - well, whispered some warbles. Unexpectedly Large Warblers can't really whisper.
Then, message delivered, she began to preen and tweet and warble.
Mad Pete looked at the other two (not Twinkle, because he was in his sack). "She's found her! She's in - which tower, Ethel?" he asked the bird.
"Warble warble warble!" said Ethel, which clearly meant "that one there, the tall one on the left by the other two tall ones. "
"It's that one there, the tall one on the left by the other two tall ones." said Mad Pete, pointing.
"All right Ethel!" said Ginger McSporran who was highly impressed.
Ethel just warbled.
"All right," said Ralph the Timid slowly and thoughtfully. "We know what tower she's in. Now how do we get to her?"
Mad Pete and Ginger McSporran, the black beast of the caves, considered this problem for a moment.
"Well," said the black beast, at length" we could start by going over to the tower and having a look. Maybe there's a ladder or somehting?"
"Okay," said Mad Pete genially "Let's do that." Mad Pete was very pleased and proud of his friend the Unexpectedly Large Warbler, almost as pleased and proud as if he had flown up to find Lady Ann himself.
And so they walked, keeping a close eye on the tower so it didn't suddenly run away or blend in with the other towers, until they came to the base of it where it joined onto the body of the castle.
"It's pretty tall." said Ralph the Timid, looking at the tower stretching up up up up as far as he could see when he tilted his head back. "And there's no ladder. What do you think we should do, Ginger McSporran?" He asked Ginger McSporran as he trusted the black beast of the caves much more than Mad Pete. Mad Pete had, after all, tricked him into discovering his purpose and hidden a sandwich in a cave completely unnecessarily for over two years.
"Hmm." said Ginger McSporran, stroking his chin with one giant clawed hand. "Let me think."
so Ralph let him think. There was a pause while he thought.Then Ginger McSporran said "Could Ethel fly up and get her?"
"Warble." said Ethel, fluffing up her neck feathers.
"No," said Mad Pete, emphatically. "She can't. There's nothing to hold on to and the girl would fall off."
"She could wrap her arms around her neck?" suggested Ralph hopefully.
"What good would that do? She'd just strangle herself!" said Mad Pete scornfully.
"No, she could wrap her arms around Ethel's neck." replied Ralph with great patience.
"Oh." said Mad Pete, and looked at Ethel.
Ethel squawked and fluffed her feathers some more.
"No go," said Mad Pete turning back to the others. "Ethel says she's too big and she won't be able to fly properly."
Ralph was too preoccupied to be amazed that Mad Pete had got that much from a single squawk. He studied the stones that made up the tower. Could he climb up? But that would do no good, because then he would be locked in the tower too. He looked at the wall in front of him. It was as if the stones were omnipotent. There was no way he could get around it. He was defeated. He put his hands in his pockets in a gesture of despair and brushed the seeds that the gypsies had given him. He had forgotten about them momentarily in the excitement and rush of finding the tower. Maybe they would help? He pulled them out to look at them. What did they do? The gypsies hadn't said. Did you plant them? That was what you normally did with seeds. Ralph decided to try it with one.
Lady Ann leant out of the window of her tower room at an extremely dangerous angle. There were four figures standing at the base of her tower, looking a bit like large ants. One was the bird that had flown into her room. Lady Ann marvelled at this. Had it understood her? Had it gone to fetch help? Or was it just a random coincidence? She was no longer at all bored.One of the figures that wasn't the huge bird appeared to be dressed entirely from pieces from a very colourblind butterfly's rag bag, and another of the figures was so big it looked like...well, an exceptionally large ant. And it had - wings? That couldn't be right. She was just trying to make sense of this when all of a sudden, something happened. There was a rush of green and brown and then....with a popping noise, where nothing had been just a second ago there was a very big tree, right next to her window. Its branches seemed to unfold in the blinking of an eyelid, and Lady Ann had to jump back from the window again as a bough raced towards it, exploding into a flurry of leaves just before it hit the windowsill.
"That's all very well." said Ralph the Timid, looking up at the gigantic tree that he had brought to life. "But now I need to get up the tree..."
"It's all right," said Mad Pete. "It's a magic tree. That should help."
Somewhere in the castle, Prince Rupert was being informed of the sudden appearance of a giant tree in his castle grounds. He uttered an exclamatory phrase and began to run.
(Word Count: 44089)
Chapter Thirty One: In Which Progress is Made Towards A Rescue.
Ralph the Timid tried not to look distinctive as he and his friends walked up to the castle gates. But it didn't really work. Well, it worked in so far as he himself was not distinctive, but anyone who travels with a) a mad chartmaker dressed in at least 18 different and extremely bright colours, b) a sack which keeps wriggling and yowling, c) a gigantic black cave beast with horns the size of a small cow and twice as pointy, and d) an Unexpectedly Large Warbler cannot seriously hope to not be noticed.
A lot of people stared as they approached. But no guards seemed interested in challenging them, and they went straight in. Prince Rupert relied on his reputation to keep unwanted visitors at bay. So the travellers went straight in, and besides a lot of stares and nudging of friends by those around them, no one said or did anything about it. They tried their best to look as if they knew where they were going until they found a quiet corner in which they could hide and figure out where exactly they WERE going.
At length they found a quiet corner - behind some barrels near the kitchens - and tucked themselves into it. "Well, Ralph the Timid!" said Mad Pete in an enthusiasticly loud whisper. "Which tower do you think she's in?"
Ralph the Timid looked up, scanning the forest of towers that sprouted from the bulk of the castle and keep. They all looked the same from this angle. Some maybe taller than others, but all much of a muchness. "Um," he said doubtfully. "It might be that one?"he pointed at one of the taller ones on the left. "But I'm not really sure."
Ginger McSporran tried to squish himself back into the wall by the barrels. He felt he was the most conspicious, and he was probably right. He was more than head and shoulders taller than the others, for starters, and that didn't take into account his horns, wings and altogether frightening appearance. "Can you think of any distinguishing features it might have had?" he whispered hoarsely and extremely quietly.
"Sorry, what was that?" asked Ralph, in an undertone. "I know we're whispering but I was completely unable to hear you."
"Yes, speak up, you big black beastie!" said Mad Pete, again quite loudly but with irritable good humour.
"Can you think of any distinguishing features the tower might have had?" asked Ginger McSporran, slightly louder, making him actually audible this time.
Ralph thought. His brow furrowed. He scratched his head. "It had a girl in it," he offered. "And it looked very tall."
Ginger McSporran sighed. "Anything else? They're all very tall and we can't see if there's a girl in any of them from here."
"Can you think of anything else, Ralph?" asked Mad Pete, relaying Ginger McSporran's words to Ralph as if he hadn't been able to hear them for himself. He looked at him with his head on one side like a curious bird.
Ralph sighed. "If only you could fly up and have a look, Ginger." he said, trying not to sound hopeful.
A note of hope must have crept in because Ginger McSporran glared at him. "Please don't pressure me, young Ralph," he said with as much dignity as he was able to muster. "I have explained why I cannot fly at present."
"I know, I'm sorry!" Ralph the Timid hurriedly apologised. "We'll just have to think of something else."
At that moment, Mad Pete gave out a whoop and leapt in the air, punching upwards.
"SSSSSHHHH!" said Ralph the Timid and Ginger McSporran as one man/beast.
"I've got it!" said Mad Pete only slightly more quietly. "Ethel can fly up and look, and then she can tell us."
Ralph raised one eyebrow. Ginger McSporran looked doubtful, but said. "Well, if you think she can do it."
Mad Pete looked scorn at his doubters. "What do you mean, THINK? Of course she can do it. Come here, Ethel!" he called to the Unexpectedly Large Warbler, completely abandoning all pretence of whispering.
He explained carefully to the bird what he wanted her to do. She seemed to listen, her head tilting from side to side as she did so. Then with a squawk, she lifted up into the air, circled once and then flew up to towards the towers. Ralph marvelled again that a bird of such massive bulk could fly with such grace. It was like watching a cow with wings behaving like a skylark.She flew neatly in and out the between the towers, circling each one looking for windows and signs of people within.
Lady Ann saw the large bulk of the Unexpectedly Large Warbler approaching from quite a distance, not very surprisingly. What was that? A large cow? A small dragon? A giant inflatable ...thing? She leant out to get a closer look, then drew back in hurriedly as the bird swooped past close to her head. With a warbling noise, the bird soared high in the air, then came towards the window, slowly dropping speed.
Lady Ann realised the bird's intention just in time to avoid collision. She threw herself to the floor and Ethel, unable to brake in time to land on the window sill, somersaulted into the tower room and stop just before hitting the wall."WarbARGK" squawked Ethel with extreme exclamatory fervour.She straightened herself and hopped up onto the end of Lady Ann's bed, where she began preening her ruffled feathers.
Lady Ann stared at the bird. She couldn't believe a bird could be that big. She couldn't believe a bird that big could fly. What did it want? Was it hungry? What did it - did it eat people? Was it tame? She slowly picked herself up from the floor, dusting off her dress as she did so and shaking out the ruffles. She looked at Ethel warily.
"Warble." said Ethel, looking back. "Waarble warble warble warble warble. Tweet. Tweeeet."
If Lady Ann had understood the language of the Unexpectedly Large Warblers, she would have known that she had been asked if she was Lady Antoinetta Bernadetta Clarissa Drusilla Eleanora Georgetta Henrietta Isabella Juanita Katherina Lolita Marguerita Nerissa Octavia Petunia Quintessa Roberta Suzetta Tabitha Ursula Venitia Wilhelmina Xenia Zelda of Erd, and whether she needed to be rescued. If she had understood that she could have replied "Warble warble" which, if said in the correct key, would mean "Yes I am, please help me."
Instead she said, with what she considered to be admirable calm, "Nice birdie. Please don't eat me."
"WARBLE!" said Ethel, shaking her head and beginning to emit a series of chuckling tweets "Ha-weet, ha-weet, ha-weet!" She was laughing, because although Lady Ann had not understood her, Ethel had spent so much time with Mad Pete that she understood Lady Ann perfectly.
The bird looked so comical that Lady Ann relaxed. Surely if it was going to eat her it would have done so by now. She leant against the table and wrapped her arms around herself. "I wish you could help me," she said aloud, whimsically. "I'm a prisoner here. I wish I could fly like you." she smiled at the bird.
"Warble, warble." said Ethel, which in this case meant "Don't worry, I'll fetch help." and hopped off the bed and made great leaps towards the window. She scrabbled and flapped a bit to get up on the windowsill, then turning her head to Lady Ann to make one last warble at her, launched herself out the window like an iron anvil trying to float. Lady Ann ran to the window in time to see the big birds wings extend and catch the air, so she swooped away from the castle rather than plummeting into the ground.
"Well, that was something different," said Lady Ann out loud as she watched her go.
(Word Count: 42995)
A lot of people stared as they approached. But no guards seemed interested in challenging them, and they went straight in. Prince Rupert relied on his reputation to keep unwanted visitors at bay. So the travellers went straight in, and besides a lot of stares and nudging of friends by those around them, no one said or did anything about it. They tried their best to look as if they knew where they were going until they found a quiet corner in which they could hide and figure out where exactly they WERE going.
At length they found a quiet corner - behind some barrels near the kitchens - and tucked themselves into it. "Well, Ralph the Timid!" said Mad Pete in an enthusiasticly loud whisper. "Which tower do you think she's in?"
Ralph the Timid looked up, scanning the forest of towers that sprouted from the bulk of the castle and keep. They all looked the same from this angle. Some maybe taller than others, but all much of a muchness. "Um," he said doubtfully. "It might be that one?"he pointed at one of the taller ones on the left. "But I'm not really sure."
Ginger McSporran tried to squish himself back into the wall by the barrels. He felt he was the most conspicious, and he was probably right. He was more than head and shoulders taller than the others, for starters, and that didn't take into account his horns, wings and altogether frightening appearance. "Can you think of any distinguishing features it might have had?" he whispered hoarsely and extremely quietly.
"Sorry, what was that?" asked Ralph, in an undertone. "I know we're whispering but I was completely unable to hear you."
"Yes, speak up, you big black beastie!" said Mad Pete, again quite loudly but with irritable good humour.
"Can you think of any distinguishing features the tower might have had?" asked Ginger McSporran, slightly louder, making him actually audible this time.
Ralph thought. His brow furrowed. He scratched his head. "It had a girl in it," he offered. "And it looked very tall."
Ginger McSporran sighed. "Anything else? They're all very tall and we can't see if there's a girl in any of them from here."
"Can you think of anything else, Ralph?" asked Mad Pete, relaying Ginger McSporran's words to Ralph as if he hadn't been able to hear them for himself. He looked at him with his head on one side like a curious bird.
Ralph sighed. "If only you could fly up and have a look, Ginger." he said, trying not to sound hopeful.
A note of hope must have crept in because Ginger McSporran glared at him. "Please don't pressure me, young Ralph," he said with as much dignity as he was able to muster. "I have explained why I cannot fly at present."
"I know, I'm sorry!" Ralph the Timid hurriedly apologised. "We'll just have to think of something else."
At that moment, Mad Pete gave out a whoop and leapt in the air, punching upwards.
"SSSSSHHHH!" said Ralph the Timid and Ginger McSporran as one man/beast.
"I've got it!" said Mad Pete only slightly more quietly. "Ethel can fly up and look, and then she can tell us."
Ralph raised one eyebrow. Ginger McSporran looked doubtful, but said. "Well, if you think she can do it."
Mad Pete looked scorn at his doubters. "What do you mean, THINK? Of course she can do it. Come here, Ethel!" he called to the Unexpectedly Large Warbler, completely abandoning all pretence of whispering.
He explained carefully to the bird what he wanted her to do. She seemed to listen, her head tilting from side to side as she did so. Then with a squawk, she lifted up into the air, circled once and then flew up to towards the towers. Ralph marvelled again that a bird of such massive bulk could fly with such grace. It was like watching a cow with wings behaving like a skylark.She flew neatly in and out the between the towers, circling each one looking for windows and signs of people within.
Lady Ann saw the large bulk of the Unexpectedly Large Warbler approaching from quite a distance, not very surprisingly. What was that? A large cow? A small dragon? A giant inflatable ...thing? She leant out to get a closer look, then drew back in hurriedly as the bird swooped past close to her head. With a warbling noise, the bird soared high in the air, then came towards the window, slowly dropping speed.
Lady Ann realised the bird's intention just in time to avoid collision. She threw herself to the floor and Ethel, unable to brake in time to land on the window sill, somersaulted into the tower room and stop just before hitting the wall."WarbARGK" squawked Ethel with extreme exclamatory fervour.She straightened herself and hopped up onto the end of Lady Ann's bed, where she began preening her ruffled feathers.
Lady Ann stared at the bird. She couldn't believe a bird could be that big. She couldn't believe a bird that big could fly. What did it want? Was it hungry? What did it - did it eat people? Was it tame? She slowly picked herself up from the floor, dusting off her dress as she did so and shaking out the ruffles. She looked at Ethel warily.
"Warble." said Ethel, looking back. "Waarble warble warble warble warble. Tweet. Tweeeet."
If Lady Ann had understood the language of the Unexpectedly Large Warblers, she would have known that she had been asked if she was Lady Antoinetta Bernadetta Clarissa Drusilla Eleanora Georgetta Henrietta Isabella Juanita Katherina Lolita Marguerita Nerissa Octavia Petunia Quintessa Roberta Suzetta Tabitha Ursula Venitia Wilhelmina Xenia Zelda of Erd, and whether she needed to be rescued. If she had understood that she could have replied "Warble warble" which, if said in the correct key, would mean "Yes I am, please help me."
Instead she said, with what she considered to be admirable calm, "Nice birdie. Please don't eat me."
"WARBLE!" said Ethel, shaking her head and beginning to emit a series of chuckling tweets "Ha-weet, ha-weet, ha-weet!" She was laughing, because although Lady Ann had not understood her, Ethel had spent so much time with Mad Pete that she understood Lady Ann perfectly.
The bird looked so comical that Lady Ann relaxed. Surely if it was going to eat her it would have done so by now. She leant against the table and wrapped her arms around herself. "I wish you could help me," she said aloud, whimsically. "I'm a prisoner here. I wish I could fly like you." she smiled at the bird.
"Warble, warble." said Ethel, which in this case meant "Don't worry, I'll fetch help." and hopped off the bed and made great leaps towards the window. She scrabbled and flapped a bit to get up on the windowsill, then turning her head to Lady Ann to make one last warble at her, launched herself out the window like an iron anvil trying to float. Lady Ann ran to the window in time to see the big birds wings extend and catch the air, so she swooped away from the castle rather than plummeting into the ground.
"Well, that was something different," said Lady Ann out loud as she watched her go.
(Word Count: 42995)
Chapter Thirty: In Which Lady Ann sends more darts, and people find them.
Lady Ann sat at her window and sighed. She had sent out dozens of darts, and now all she had to do was wait. But she was sick of waiting. It was so boring. She sighed again, more deeply. She played "I spy with my little eye" with herself, but that was no fun. She always knew and could get it in one guess.
She had run out of bricks to count. She had memorised everything on the horizon. She had spent a fruitless hour or so trying to spot if she could see where the darts had got to. She couldn't. She wished that Prince Rupert had thought to put a harp or a piano or something like that in the tower. She wasn't as talented a musician as some of her fellow princesses, but she could play reasonably well. And besides, she would by this stage be much better, she thought. She would have had ample time to practice.
She sighed for a third time. It was no use crying over split milk. And she was not going to agree to Prince Rupert's demands. She wasn't even going to write him a letter. She would not be bored into submission! She might not have a musical instrument, or anything to read, or sew, but she could exercise! Or she could sing!
It was a hot day, and Lady Ann was clad in a reasonably heavy brocade dress, so she very sensibly decided on singing instead. She sang everything single song she could think of, starting with the Alphabet Song (" A B C D E F G, H I J K L M N O P, Q R S, T U V, W, X, Y and Z, Now I know my A B C, next time won't you sing with me?") and going on through all the nursery rhymes she knew (about fifty or sixty, she was surprised to notice) and finally finishing up with the great Abletean epic "Maurice's Disappearing Bag", all six hundred verses of it. She did not actually KNOW all six hundred verses so she had to make some of them up, but it passed the day away. She didn't know what she would do the next day, but she would think about that tomorrow.
Little did she know she would not be a prisoner for very much longer. Help was on its way.
Ralph the Timid, Ginger McSporran (plus Twinkle in a bag), Mad Pete and Ethel had said goodbye to Maurice, Shadbolt, Abendigo and the other gypsies that morning and set off across the Wide Flat Plains. The Wide Flat Plains were quite narrow at this point and they could soon see the hills, misty and blue in the distance but getting ever larger. They soon hit a road that seemed to lead directly to the hills, and decided to follow that.
By light of day, the gypsies predictions regarding Ralph's dream seemed even more ridiculous, and Ralph had pushed them completely to the back of his mind. He still had the seeds in his pocket though, and he polished them automatically as he strolled along. Mad Pete was whistling, and Ethel warbling with him in some kind of man- bird duet. Ginger McSporran just walked. He wasn't the most talkative of black beasts of caves.
Eventually they saw the tall spires of the castle of Xanadu, first faintly, then getting very near. Ralph suddenly became very nervous. "What am I doing?" he said aloud. "If I am the son of the King and Queen of Xanadu, they won't want me back, they dumped me in the mountainside forests deliberately to get rid of me! And if my twin is there, and a practising bad guy, won't he try and get rid of me? This plan is seriously flawed! I'm stopping." And he suited action to the word, sitting down suddenly in a ditch.
This was actually an accident. He had meant to sit down somewhat less suddenly on the nice green grassy verge of the road, not noticing the ditch. He had thus put his foot in the ditch, resulting in his sudden descent.
"Ouch!" said Ralph the Timid, rubbing his posterior. "the world hates me."
"Come on now, " said Ginger McSporran, stopping to look at Ralph. "The world doesn't hate you. Just that ditch." He started to chortle his metal grating laugh but stopped when Ralph shot him a dirty look.
Ralph sighed and looked at his feet. And then he looked past his feet. There was something in the ditch - a bit battered by the weather, but it was something that looked like a paper dart, with writing all over it. He picked it up, curious to see what it was.
Mad Pete stared in horror. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to pick up things you find in drains? You don't know where that's been?"
"Well I'm not going to eat it, Mad Pete!" said Ralph with some heat, and unfolded the dart.
It read (although crossed through with red ink):
"Dearest Lady Lady Antoinetta Bernadetta Clarissa Drusilla Eleanora Georgetta Henrietta Isabella Juanita Katherina Lolita Marguerita Nerissa Octavia Petunia Quintessa Roberta Suzetta Tabitha Ursula Venitia Wilhelmina Xenia Zelda of Erd,It is I, your humble servant Prince Rupert of Xanadu who writes in pursuit of that most dearest object - your hand and your heart. Those most dearest objects. I beg you will forgive my deed in abducting you thus and soften your feelings towards me! Be mine! I have written you this most touching and charming poem in the hopes that soon your feelings towards me will turn to love.Antoinetta, amazing and lovely,Bernadetta, beautiful and lovely, Clarissa, charming and lovely,Drusilla, darling and lovely, Eleanora, elegant and lovely,Georgetta, gorgeous and lovely,Henrietta, handsome and lovely, Isabella , incandescent and lovely,Juanita, jolly and lovely, Katherina, k(a scribble) and lovely, Lolita, lovely and lovely, Marguerita, magnificent and lovely,Nerissa, noble and lovely, Octavia, omnipotent and lovely, Petunia, perfect and lovely, Quintessa, quintessential and lovely, Roberta, romantic and lovely, Suzetta, smashing and lovely, Tabitha, touching and lovely, Ursula, unbeatable and lovely, Venitia, victorious and lovely, Wilhelmina, wonderful and lovely, Xenia, xtra gorgeous and lovely, Zelda, zesty and lovely, of Erd, be mine!"
Ralph whistled. "Well, I'm not surprised this got thrown away. What a terrible poem! He couldn't even think of anything to go with Katherina!"
Ginger McSporran said, sticking out a huge hand "Let me see that!"
Ralph stood up and passed him the unfolded dart. Ginger McSporran read it through slowly and let out a whistle of his own. "Well, well, well. Maybe those gypsies knew what they were talking about after all. Sounds like this Prince Rupert fella has this Lady Antoinetta Bernadetta Clarissa Drusilla Eleanora Georgetta Henrietta Isabella Juanita Katherina Lolita Marguerita Nerissa Octavia Petunia Quintessa Roberta Suzetta Tabitha Ursula Venitia Wilhelmina Xenia Zelda of Erd imprisoned in a tower all right. I wonder if it's that castle there?" he looked up at the castle now looming large in the near distance.
Mad Pete scoffed. "Well do you see any other castles around here? Of course it's that one. And Prince Rupert must be the Prince of Xanadu. Well, it says he is. It all fits! He is clearly evil. Wait, there's something on the other side." He snatched the paper from Ginger McSporran and turned it over to read Lady Ann's message.
"To whoever finds this:Please help me! I have been imprisoned in the tallest tower of Prince Rupert's very tall castle! He intends to keep me here until I marry him! Please rescue me!Lady Antoinetta B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z of Erd."
"Well, young Ralph the Timid," he said slowly. "I think we've got a way to prove you're not a bad guy and meet your brother at the same time."
"Well, young Ralph the Timid," he said slowly. "I think we've got a way to prove you're not a bad guy and meet your brother at the same time."
So Ralph the Timid, Ginger McSporran, Mad Pete (and not to forget Twinkle or Ethel) set off up towards the castle, taking the letter with them.
But they were not the only ones to find a dart that day. "A rescue plea?" said a mysterious voice somewhere near the castle. "We'll see about that. Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah aha ha ha ha ah ah aha! Ah ha ha ha ah aha ha aha ha!"
(Word Count: 41674)
She had run out of bricks to count. She had memorised everything on the horizon. She had spent a fruitless hour or so trying to spot if she could see where the darts had got to. She couldn't. She wished that Prince Rupert had thought to put a harp or a piano or something like that in the tower. She wasn't as talented a musician as some of her fellow princesses, but she could play reasonably well. And besides, she would by this stage be much better, she thought. She would have had ample time to practice.
She sighed for a third time. It was no use crying over split milk. And she was not going to agree to Prince Rupert's demands. She wasn't even going to write him a letter. She would not be bored into submission! She might not have a musical instrument, or anything to read, or sew, but she could exercise! Or she could sing!
It was a hot day, and Lady Ann was clad in a reasonably heavy brocade dress, so she very sensibly decided on singing instead. She sang everything single song she could think of, starting with the Alphabet Song (" A B C D E F G, H I J K L M N O P, Q R S, T U V, W, X, Y and Z, Now I know my A B C, next time won't you sing with me?") and going on through all the nursery rhymes she knew (about fifty or sixty, she was surprised to notice) and finally finishing up with the great Abletean epic "Maurice's Disappearing Bag", all six hundred verses of it. She did not actually KNOW all six hundred verses so she had to make some of them up, but it passed the day away. She didn't know what she would do the next day, but she would think about that tomorrow.
Little did she know she would not be a prisoner for very much longer. Help was on its way.
Ralph the Timid, Ginger McSporran (plus Twinkle in a bag), Mad Pete and Ethel had said goodbye to Maurice, Shadbolt, Abendigo and the other gypsies that morning and set off across the Wide Flat Plains. The Wide Flat Plains were quite narrow at this point and they could soon see the hills, misty and blue in the distance but getting ever larger. They soon hit a road that seemed to lead directly to the hills, and decided to follow that.
By light of day, the gypsies predictions regarding Ralph's dream seemed even more ridiculous, and Ralph had pushed them completely to the back of his mind. He still had the seeds in his pocket though, and he polished them automatically as he strolled along. Mad Pete was whistling, and Ethel warbling with him in some kind of man- bird duet. Ginger McSporran just walked. He wasn't the most talkative of black beasts of caves.
Eventually they saw the tall spires of the castle of Xanadu, first faintly, then getting very near. Ralph suddenly became very nervous. "What am I doing?" he said aloud. "If I am the son of the King and Queen of Xanadu, they won't want me back, they dumped me in the mountainside forests deliberately to get rid of me! And if my twin is there, and a practising bad guy, won't he try and get rid of me? This plan is seriously flawed! I'm stopping." And he suited action to the word, sitting down suddenly in a ditch.
This was actually an accident. He had meant to sit down somewhat less suddenly on the nice green grassy verge of the road, not noticing the ditch. He had thus put his foot in the ditch, resulting in his sudden descent.
"Ouch!" said Ralph the Timid, rubbing his posterior. "the world hates me."
"Come on now, " said Ginger McSporran, stopping to look at Ralph. "The world doesn't hate you. Just that ditch." He started to chortle his metal grating laugh but stopped when Ralph shot him a dirty look.
Ralph sighed and looked at his feet. And then he looked past his feet. There was something in the ditch - a bit battered by the weather, but it was something that looked like a paper dart, with writing all over it. He picked it up, curious to see what it was.
Mad Pete stared in horror. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to pick up things you find in drains? You don't know where that's been?"
"Well I'm not going to eat it, Mad Pete!" said Ralph with some heat, and unfolded the dart.
It read (although crossed through with red ink):
"Dearest Lady Lady Antoinetta Bernadetta Clarissa Drusilla Eleanora Georgetta Henrietta Isabella Juanita Katherina Lolita Marguerita Nerissa Octavia Petunia Quintessa Roberta Suzetta Tabitha Ursula Venitia Wilhelmina Xenia Zelda of Erd,It is I, your humble servant Prince Rupert of Xanadu who writes in pursuit of that most dearest object - your hand and your heart. Those most dearest objects. I beg you will forgive my deed in abducting you thus and soften your feelings towards me! Be mine! I have written you this most touching and charming poem in the hopes that soon your feelings towards me will turn to love.Antoinetta, amazing and lovely,Bernadetta, beautiful and lovely, Clarissa, charming and lovely,Drusilla, darling and lovely, Eleanora, elegant and lovely,Georgetta, gorgeous and lovely,Henrietta, handsome and lovely, Isabella , incandescent and lovely,Juanita, jolly and lovely, Katherina, k(a scribble) and lovely, Lolita, lovely and lovely, Marguerita, magnificent and lovely,Nerissa, noble and lovely, Octavia, omnipotent and lovely, Petunia, perfect and lovely, Quintessa, quintessential and lovely, Roberta, romantic and lovely, Suzetta, smashing and lovely, Tabitha, touching and lovely, Ursula, unbeatable and lovely, Venitia, victorious and lovely, Wilhelmina, wonderful and lovely, Xenia, xtra gorgeous and lovely, Zelda, zesty and lovely, of Erd, be mine!"
Ralph whistled. "Well, I'm not surprised this got thrown away. What a terrible poem! He couldn't even think of anything to go with Katherina!"
Ginger McSporran said, sticking out a huge hand "Let me see that!"
Ralph stood up and passed him the unfolded dart. Ginger McSporran read it through slowly and let out a whistle of his own. "Well, well, well. Maybe those gypsies knew what they were talking about after all. Sounds like this Prince Rupert fella has this Lady Antoinetta Bernadetta Clarissa Drusilla Eleanora Georgetta Henrietta Isabella Juanita Katherina Lolita Marguerita Nerissa Octavia Petunia Quintessa Roberta Suzetta Tabitha Ursula Venitia Wilhelmina Xenia Zelda of Erd imprisoned in a tower all right. I wonder if it's that castle there?" he looked up at the castle now looming large in the near distance.
Mad Pete scoffed. "Well do you see any other castles around here? Of course it's that one. And Prince Rupert must be the Prince of Xanadu. Well, it says he is. It all fits! He is clearly evil. Wait, there's something on the other side." He snatched the paper from Ginger McSporran and turned it over to read Lady Ann's message.
"To whoever finds this:Please help me! I have been imprisoned in the tallest tower of Prince Rupert's very tall castle! He intends to keep me here until I marry him! Please rescue me!Lady Antoinetta B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z of Erd."
"Well, young Ralph the Timid," he said slowly. "I think we've got a way to prove you're not a bad guy and meet your brother at the same time."
"Well, young Ralph the Timid," he said slowly. "I think we've got a way to prove you're not a bad guy and meet your brother at the same time."
So Ralph the Timid, Ginger McSporran, Mad Pete (and not to forget Twinkle or Ethel) set off up towards the castle, taking the letter with them.
But they were not the only ones to find a dart that day. "A rescue plea?" said a mysterious voice somewhere near the castle. "We'll see about that. Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah aha ha ha ha ah ah aha! Ah ha ha ha ah aha ha aha ha!"
(Word Count: 41674)
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